This holiday season, I’m truly trying to enjoy all of the little moments and carve out time to spend with those that I love. I had the great fortune to spend an evening with three of my best friends recently. We had drinks, saw a play, ate snacks at one of my friend’s houses and reconnected after not being in the same room for nearly a year.

Last weekend, I wrapped and baked and cleaned and prepped for most of my immediate family to come to my house. I did it all beforehand so I could just drink, eat and be merry WITH them, instead of scurrying around the house doing whatever needed to be done. Next year I think we should scale it back even more and do even less beforehand.

And for the past week, my husband, son and I, have spent snippets of time together when we can. We had a movie night on Friday, dinner together tonight, and will spend Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day together. The guys are having an entire day together tomorrow while I’m at work, and I hope to snag the kid for an afternoon next weekend with just the two of us.

The three of us have become very aware that our everyday lives together is running short. We still argue and irritate one another, but we also forgive one another quicker than before. We apologize soon after whatever blowout we might have had. We don’t want there to be any bad feelings between us, even for an evening. I’m grateful for that.

My husband recently had chest pain while he was sleeping. It woke him up, but he ended up rolling over and going back to sleep. He hasn’t talked much about it, but to tell me it happened. And…I almost felt good that it happened to him. It gave me hope that he will get to have the death he’s always wanted–dying in his sleep. Yet at the same time, I felt this incredible rush of fear and grief, with a dash of anger. (Emotions are just wacky things, aren’t they?)

As prepared I’m trying to make myself, it’ll be scary when Wal dies (unless I die first). Especially if he does die in the night. A sudden death, even if expected, is still…unexpected. When my brother died, it was still shocking in a way. We knew it would happen and probably soon, but why now? He always came home from the hospital before, so why is this time different? The only way for the rest of us to survive anticipatory grief is to not fully accept reality.

But tonight, I’m not going to think about that. I’m going to finish reading my slightly steamy romance novel by the tv fireplace, have a glass of wine, and listen to the occasional laughter of my family in the other room. I’m going to enjoy these moments while they still exist.

Tell your friends and family you love them, folks. Let’s not have regrets if we can help it. ❤

Happy Holidays friends. I love you!