I used to want to be firmly in the middle class. In my mind that meant I had a secure job, a house and enough disposable income to take a traveling vacation if I wanted to. That is most definitely NOT what I think middle class is any longer. I think I personally have a fairly secure job and income, but my husband does not. (He is currently on short-term disability due to his health.) We have a house that we have just over 6 years to pay on. But we also have two car loans–you cannot live in rural Maine and work without a vehicle. We have a TON of credit card debt–which is how we’ve been able to live. Have we taken vacations on credit? Of course we have. Have we paid for car repairs with credit? Absolutely. Have we purchased groceries with our credit cards because we just didn’t have the money that week? Yes, yes we have. But we are, indeed, middle class.
Yesterday, my sister, niece and family friend were sitting around my kitchen table (which, yes, I purchased on credit). We were looking at my white board where I have all of my family’s debts written out–what they are, how much we owe, what the APR is for each loan or credit card, and how much longer we have to pay on the loans or when the introductory low APR runs out for each credit card. It started the conversation about the juggling we all do to keep living. How one person took out a loan from their retirement to pay off some debt but now is repaying that back, but also while working a part-time job in addition to their full-time job. I took out a credit card with a lower APR than one of my loans and paid that off, but haven’t paid off anything else with it because I’m afraid my husband won’t have a job to go back to. And if that happens, there will be many other hurdles including finding and paying for health insurance. In our group of four women, we’ve all been on food stamps at one time or another. We’ve all needed financial help from one another or other family members. And what would we have done without that support?
We talked about how neither of my parents left our family with their houses because they had borrowed against their homes or even had a reverse mortgage because they, too, wanted to live life while they were still here. And sometimes that takes money you don’t really have. Heck, I always thought my mom had money because she was always able to get me what I needed or took me out to eat or helped us when my son was little and my husband was unemployed. But come to find out, she just took out home equity loans to pay for what she or we needed.
I often talk to two of my librarian friends, both single moms, and how much we’ve all struggled financially. We talk about paying for certain things with checks because we know they won’t be cashed right away, and that gives us a few days to get money in the bank to cover it. Or how we pay one bill a little late so we can pay something else or just so we can buy lunch with a friend because we want to feel like we’re fucking living.
Some people may say, “Well, don’t go on that vacation or go out to eat. Just pay your bills and then you wouldn’t be in debt and THEN you could go on that vacation.” You know, I used to think that. But when you live paycheck to paycheck, when are you supposed to get out of debt? Cars break down, kids need clothing and school supplies, food and gas prices go up, and shit fucking happens that you have to pay for. And you know what? Life is so damn short.
Earlier this summer, I saw a news report that said the town my son goes to high school in was buying school supplies for all the students. Yes! There was one thing we didn’t have to worry about. We bought binders last month because we figured that wouldn’t be supplied, but the report mentioned notebooks, pens, pencils, and folders. So the first day of school comes—no school supplies. My kid goes and talks to several teachers and finally the principal and SHOWS THEM the news report because my son is a rock star. They tell him that it was only for K-8, although the report never mentioned that. He was angry and the principal said if we were desperate, they’d help us. I told my kid not to worry, we weren’t as bad off as many people. So off I went to Wal-Mart yesterday afternoon.
The school supply aisle had been cleared out and replaced with Halloween materials. WTF?!? School hadn’t even started in some local schools!! I went back into the stationary/notebook/crayon aisle–no folders, no notebooks.
“It’s ok, Holly. Go to Staples,” I told myself. They were always on sale this time of year. Or…they were until they ran out. Now they were a minimum of $2. That might not seem like much, but the kid wanted 6 notebooks and 6 folders. He really doesn’t ask for much. The folders were also just under $2 each. But the real pisser? There were only 2 notebooks!!! There were many other kinds but they were tremendously expensive. I refused to pay $5 for a friggin’ one subject notebook. Then the poor cashier asked if I found everything I needed. *sigh* I said no and she tried to help me. I told her it was ok, it was my fault, I waited too long. (Although inside I was seething at that god damned news report I wish I never saw.) I was honestly close to tears and I hated feeling that way. But I got the hell out of there, went to the grocery store, bought ice cream bars and coffee and another $2 notebook, then went home to tell my kid we’d find more notebooks next week.
I’m not writing this for you to pity me or for you to tell me everything I’ve done wrong to get here. I’ve made many mistakes, there’s no doubt. But there also have been so many things out of my control that influenced the choices I made. I wrote this more to say that if you’re feeling this way, or feel alone in your ocean of debt, know that you’re not alone. I can’t really help you get out of it, but I can certainly commiserate and empathize. I can offer you a meal or a drink and will always lend an ear.
And remember, some of those people that you see on social media that you think are living the dream, they probably are–the American dream. In this day and age that means they have a shit ton of debt and most likely are vacationing on credit and probably live paycheck to paycheck, just like you. Or maybe they’re not, and we can envy them and possibly despise them together. 🙂
Hugs to you, my friends.
See Holly Run 