Since my husband has accepted the fact that he will die sooner than later, he said he wants to “do things” with me and with our son. Typically that’s just hanging out, having dinner and fun conversations. But I’m now trying to take time off from work each week so Wal and I can go on day trips or just be home together.

A few weeks ago, we took a trip to Bar Harbor. We had a first real date there, our first wedding anniversary, and a majority of the rest of our 28 anniversaries. The week before our son was born, we visited on a chilly April afternoon and walked about, had lunch, and just enjoyed being at the ocean. Many feel like Bar Harbor is just a tourist trap, but it’s damn beautiful. And in April? A majority of the folks there are people who live in the area. It’s quieter than the summer, and I get so much joy from hearing and smelling the ocean.

On this month’s trip, we made a plan so I could walk the Shore Path while Wal stayed in the car and listened to an audio book. We would then have lunch (seafood for him, a blueberry Margarita for me) and I would do a quick walk downtown. But first we had to pack a bag for Wal. We now call this little tote bag his “murse”–man purse. It’s filled with meds he might need, wallet, earbuds, charger, phone, and wool gloves for his eternally cold hands.

What we didn’t plan for was Wal not being able to stand up from the restaurant table. We had a lovely lunch (and yes, I did eat something and didn’t just drink my lunch), chatted, and had a good time. But when it was time to leave, Wal’s left leg just wouldn’t work. It wouldn’t hold his weight and he said it felt weak. I tried to help him up but really didn’t have the strength to do it. After no less than seven tries, he was able to lift himself enough with the help of two tables. (His cane is great, but not for this.) With time, we were finally able to walk out and get down those few steps to the sidewalk. Once I got him to the car and inside, we both breathed a great sigh of relief. I know that’s a cliche, but damn, it’s the truth!

Since then, I’ve asked our hospice nurse to show me how to lift Wal. I have a belt I can use, and even with that, it’s difficult for me. I quit lifting weights a few months ago because I wanted to be home every night and not at the gym, but my health and my body has suffered for it. I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds since January and have definitely lost muscle mass. This weekend I dug out my hand weights and decided I need to get working on my body if I’m going to be any help to Wal. Thankfully, he’s also been working on his leg strength, and he’s a bit better than two weeks ago.

Just today we went to lunch with our beautiful son for his 19th birthday. Had delicious food at a new Indian restaurant and toasted our kiddo, congratulating him on another year. As we were about to leave, Wal started to have a problem getting up from the table. I didn’t notice at first, but saw my son staring at his father, and I knew he was just waiting to see if he’d need to lift his Pop from his chair. But Wal overcame! It only took him 2 or 3 tries and he was up and ready to go. 🙂 We’ll take it!

As we travel along our hospice journey, I’ve started to extend my hard lines of caregiving duties. I used to have a list of things I said I’d never do–like clipping toenails or lifting him off the toilet or helping with bathroom duties. I’ve now done some of those activities because…he’s my husband. Because I don’t want him to be miserable. Because I love him. Because everyone deserves both help and dignity in life and death.

Wal has had a really nice stretch of a few good weeks sprinkled with rough days. But even during those rough days, we’ve had laughter and good moments. And some crying. But we had all of that before he was dying. So…I guess we’re trying to make sure Wal’s dying is a lot like his living–filled with lots of laughter and good moments. And food! Oh man, can’t forget the food.

When we have such good days like this, I don’t really see the end. I start to think about little day trips we’ll take deep into the summer and fall. Then when I said something about his birthday (Halloween) today, he laughed out loud and said, “Will I be here by my birthday?!?” I brushed it off and said he’d be here for sure. I know that’s a stupid thing to say, but it’s what I was feeling at that moment. And why not hope right now? I won’t feel like this the next bad day he has, so I’m living for today.

As usual, thank you for those that have reached out and checked in. We’re definitely doing ok right now. We feel your love and we’re accepting it and giving it right back to you, friends. ❤