I’ve been a Death Doula-in-training for over a year now. I’ve done presentations at conferences and in libraries about the types of preparations to make before you die. I thought I was fairly prepared for my husband’s death. I knew about the paperwork. I knew there would be documents to sign and affairs to settle after my husband died. I knew I’d feel lost for a while….

But everything has felt so much fucking worse than I thought it would. And there’s more paperwork and phone calls that I didn’t know I’d need to make.

Last week I called Wally’s life insurance company to see the status of the claim. They mailed the check to me two weeks ago…the post office lost it. I called Social Security about the stupid sum of $255 each widow or widower receives after their spouse dies…my appointment is now on December 30th, nearly 3 months after my husband died. (BTW, that amount became fixed in the 1950s. Proposals have been made to change it to $2,900, but like many good changes, Congress hasn’t done anything to make it happen.) To top it all off? I received an email that our health insurance premium for my son and I was overdue. I know I paid it, and yet it was now over $1300 more than it was before. Why? After 40 minutes on the phone, discovered because when my husband was on it and he finally got Medicare, we didn’t send in one form so they raised it to an astronomical amount.

What. The. Fuck. Is. Happening?

In every library I’ve worked in, I’ve seen older patrons who have lost their spouses and if the patron is lucky, they have someone who can help them make all the phone calls and organize ALL OF THE THINGS that need to be done after your spouse dies. I’m damn grateful for my best friends for stepping in and taking care of Wal’s celebration of life. And grateful for other friends and family for helping feed my son and I. But everything else that needs to be done, needs to be done by me. Canceling his credit card and cell phone, transferring retirement accounts which included talking to financial companies AND an old workplace of Wally’s. (I cried on the phone with that one. Having someone tell me how sweet my husband was, was a little too much that day. But it was also really, really nice to hear.)

Like a few of my friends have said, wouldn’t it be amazing if you contact ONE place and they take care of all of this bullshit? Or is telling strangers over and over that my husband died, supposed to be some kind of cruel exposure therapy?

I know now that when I go back to my death doula practice one day, I will keep focusing on all the documents and tasks you need to do beforehand, but will offer services for families after the fact. Putting one foot in front of the other is difficult enough after your partner dies, so having to figure out how to keep paying your bills after their death should not be another thing you have to deal with.

And yet…that is life.

And ain’t it a bitch.