Author: hollyida

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Surgery successful?

Well…..sort of.

Today was my post-op appointment with one of the surgeons that worked on my venous leg.  (There were two surgeons–I do have long legs!)  This was the first time I met Dr. Tinker.  She was pleasant and sometimes so honest that it made me laugh and cringe at the same time.  She had me stand up and said, “Wow! You really are very tall.  I saw you spread on the table and knew you were tall but didn’t really know HOW tall!”  Seriously, how can you not like a woman that says with a smile, “saw you spread on the table”?

Dr. Tinker examined my leg, ripped off the rest of the steri strips that clung to the tiny holes that map my leg from groin to calf, and talked to me about pain.  We discussed the discomfort I’ve been having with my calf and in my upper thigh.  I have lots of sore, hard spots that are essentially blood clots just under the surface.  (Sounds scary, but is apparently normal.)  With time the clots will dissipate, but I may have the pain for up to 2 months.

As I stood in front of Dr. Tinker, she pointed out that some of the swelling in my leg will go away.  She had me turn around and as she looked at my calf she let out a little sigh.  I turned back around, sat down on the table and she said, “I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed.  Some of the veins on the back of your leg are still there.  I like my work to be clean!”  She also explained that on my upper thigh….I already have new varicose veins forming.

Let me repeat that. In just two weeks since the surgery, I already have new varicose veins forming.

As she said this, I nodded and bit the inside of my cheek so I wouldn’t cry.  The doctor explained that yes, I do have severe venous disease and unfortunately, I could have this surgery done each year and would just have to keep coming back.  Every damned year I could do this.

*sigh*

Don’t get me wrong. There are way worse things to have to go through, we all know that.  I think just for today I wanted to mourn the fact that I will never, ever have nice looking legs.  “Oh, pish posh! Who cares?!?” you may say.  Well…let me put it this way. When you have been fat, really fat, then worked very hard on losing 85 pounds and then you run and lift weights and look pretty good while wearing clothes, then just once, JUST ONCE you want to show off those gams you’ve worked hard for.  They are long and lean and look good in leggings, but without that cover-up they currently look like this:

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So….I’m angry. I’m really pissed off.  I’m also very sad.  I’m going to feel sorry for myself for today and possibly tomorrow…..and then I’m going to get over it.

The good news is I no longer have the constant ache in my leg AND I was given the go ahead to run. I may experience pain for a few weeks or months, but I’m grateful to just know I can run.  I won’t be harming myself any more than my heritage has already done (both of my parents have varicose veins) so I might as well go ahead and do something that makes me feel good and is essentially good for me, right?

Absolutely.

Tomorrow morning I will pull on my ugly compression stockings, plug those buds into my ears, tie up my shoelaces and step outside.  I may have to grit my teeth through those few miles I plan on running, but I will be damned grateful I can run at all.

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What to say to my little boy….

Typically when I have a day off, I do not listen to the radio or watch television.  After seeing a few cryptic Facebook posts about the Boston Marathon, I decided to make an exception.  I first went to CNN’s website to find out exactly what happened, then turned on the television.

I told my son that I wanted to watch the news for a few minutes before I helped him get ready for his evening shower.  Together, we watched the sports segment on our local news. It showed many of the runners at the beginning of the race.  “So many runners!” my son exclaimed.  “Are you in that race, Mom?”  I said no and explained that the race happened today in Boston.  (We went to Boston last fall so he has some kind of familiarity with it, although not a lot.)

When the national news came on, I asked my son to sit on my good leg—I just wanted to keep him close.  We watched for a few minutes, heard the basic facts, saw so many horrific images in just those 180 seconds we watched.  My son repeated nearly everything he heard….”there were three bombs….two went off….dozens of people hurt…body parts everywhere…”   The only question he asked was why.  Neither my husband nor I had an answer.  We just said we didn’t know.

In those three minutes of television, I squeezed my son and tried, unsuccessfully, not to cry.  He told me I shouldn’t watch anymore.  I agreed and we headed to the bathroom to get him get cleaned up and ready for bed.  On the way, my nearly 6-year-old little boy takes his right arm out of his sleeve and says, “I was in a race and lost my arm.”  I didn’t know what to say, so I just let him ramble and pretend play while he slowly got undressed.

Once Bri was in the shower, I  stayed in the bathroom while he talked to me. “Is the news still on, Mom?”  I told him it would be over by the time he got out of the shower.  “I never want to watch the news again!” he shouted.

For the last hour before bedtime, we didn’t talk about the race or the bombing or the news. Instead we focused on reading books, sounding out new words, and Briar wondered if he would catch a glimpse of the tooth fairy tonight as she placed something beneath his pillow.  I can only hope that my boy will have no recollection tomorrow of a race with bombs and bleeding people, but tonight will have sweet dreams of  fairies or flying cupcakes or walking on the moon.

Let him have these dreams for a little longer.

As a parent, I often feel completely inadequate and continue to make mistakes every single day. Perhaps letting him watch the news tonight was one of them.  I just hope I am fortunate enough to have many more years with my son to try and get it right.

 

 

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I’m afraid to run.

Two weeks ago today, I ran over 10 miles.  Some of the miles were miserable, but I ran through the pain and I accomplished my goal that day.  It was my first 10-miler in over 5 months and the next day, I was overjoyed at how little my body seemed to be affected by the run.  No muscle aches, no major pain, mostly my body just felt like my own.

Now….twelve days after my surgery….I miss that body.  I know that I needed the surgery.  I know that I needed the aching of my leg to stop.  But I also know that I just don’t feel right.

Since the surgery, I’ve tried to walk a bit every day, as my doctor ordered.  She said to do some “light walking.”  To me, light walking started out at a half mile, and now up to 3 miles.  Ok….maybe 3 miles isn’t light walking, but the  1 1/2 miles I did this morning were.  I listen to my audiobook and try to just move my body carefully yet consistently and just let the story I’m listening to take me away. (BTW, the book is Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout and it is wonderful!!  I especially love the Maine accents.  How could you not?) I do time my walks, just to see if I’m improving my speed at all (I’m not).  I have no reason to do this except my competitive side keeps wanting to push things a little further and just RUN!!

Friday afternoon I got home early so I took a walk before my son came home.  It was chilly and sleet started to fall just a few minutes into my walk.  I already had a cold, my leg ached some and I generally felt like hell.  Yet as I continued walking and listening to the lovely voices slip through my earbuds, I started to feel…..alive.  I felt like the end of this “illness” was finally in sight and things would be back to my normal soon.  My left leg was itching to run while the right leg limped along but at a jauntier clip.  I was cold and damp but felt unbelievably RIGHT for the first time in days and walked 2 1/2 miles.

Saturday afternoon was a different story.  I had been on my feet most of the day baking cakes and having a wonderful day at home.  I knew I needed to take some kind of walk that day, and finally started out at 3pm.  From the very beginning, my feet hurt.  They were swollen and I was wearing the wrong socks for walking, but I kept going anyway.  I didn’t turn around until I was past the 1.5 mile mark. I wanted to do a 5K on way or another.  My leg was already hurting, but I had no choice but to keep walking.   As soon as I walked through the door, I stretched and took 3 ibuprofren.  I was nearly in tears but since it was my own damned fault, I continued my punishment by lifting weights and  doing 100 crunches.   (That didn’t hurt but it’s something that I’m not particularly fond of!)

This morning my leg was sore.  Since the surgery, I’ve had certain sore spots.  I’m not sure if that’s normal, but I haven’t been overly concerned about them.  Yet now I have a few more hard, sore spots on my upper thigh….and I’m just not sure what to do about them.  I had stopped wrapping my leg a few days ago, when it felt like I could and it didn’t hurt horribly.  This morning I wrapped it again because I don’t know if I’ve hurt myself….or damaged what the surgery was supposed to repair.  That’s what it feels like.  I hope I’m wrong and am just being overly worrisome, but my leg just doesn’t feel like it should.

I go to the doctor this week and am hoping to get a few more answers on what my leg should feel like.  Until then, I will not run.  I’m truly afraid to run.  I’ve had several running injuries and was always a little nervous about running again….wait, that’s not right.  I was always nervous about getting injured again, not about running.  I couldn’t wait to get out there and run—–to feel the wind against my cheeks, to listen to the pounding music flow through my buds and into my brain, making my legs move my body down the road and up the hills……And now?

Now I’m scared.  I’m not afraid that I won’t be able to run next week or make my 740 mile goal this year.  I’m afraid I may have hurt my body in a way that time cannot heal it.  I’m afraid that I may have to keep my leg wrapped constantly or even have another surgery.

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to run anymore at all.

I’m afraid that I had this surgery for absolutely nothing, and instead of getting rid of the achiness and the slug-like veins, I’ve replaced it with another kind of pain and still some of the slugs remain.  That is what I’m really afraid of.

*just breathe*

For now though, I will put my fear aside and continue my “light walking.”  I will put my running clothes on (I missed them!) and I will do things on my walks that I don’t typically do on my runs, like listen to audiobooks or pick up cans and bottles on the side of the road.   I will think good thoughts and just hope for the best.  That’s all that one can do, right?

HOPE

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I hate sponge baths.

You can just never get quite clean enough with a sponge bath, in my humble opinion.  You feel good for a few minutes, then afterwards you feel like something isn’t quite right, like you missed something, you know?  But that is what I must do for the next few days.

Yesterday, my legs looked like this:

You know what? I like my knees. They look like they’re smiling.

Today, my legs look like this:

Legs Post-op

Yesterday I had a phlebectomy done on the veins of my upper right thigh and Endovenous Ablation was done on my lower right leg. Both procedures will mostly eliminate the bulging veins as well as the pain I sometimes feel in that leg, at least for now.  I had something similar done about 10 years ago, so I may have to have it done again. Sadly, my left leg will continue to look like hell until sometime this fall or even next year.  My legs may never look good at the same time, but damn it, they will look good!  How can they not with those smiling knees? 😉

Now that 24 hours have passed since the procedure, the pain is mostly manageable.  Standing up still hurts and I tend to yelp a bit. Sleeping is pretty difficult, still, and I can’t take a damn shower until Friday!!  Getting undressed and dressed is still a bit tricky.  My husband had to put my wool socks on my feet last night, but I wouldn’t let him help me get dressed today.  I waited until he went to work, then by golly, I got those panties on and off all by myself.  TRIUMPHANT!!!

I have to say that being able to get dressed by myself today when I wasn’t able to yesterday?  The satisfaction I feel is just as great as when I ran my first race two years ago.  It’s amazing how insufficient I felt, or unable, or just really how annoyed and frustrated it made me having to depend on someone for just one day. It made me realize how lucky I really am.  I have to remember this when I start whining about how achy my body feels in the morning or how difficult and painful that last long run was.

At least I was able to do it.

Remember this, Holly.  Don’t forget how fortunate you feel right at this moment.  Even when you screech as you get off the toilet because the stitches in your groin are pulling. Remember that you will have your ass out on the road in two weeks, running. Running very slowly and possibly with some pain, but running nonetheless.

Something besides pulling up your own panties will make you feel triumphant again!!!

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What Would Wonder Woman Do? (WWWWD)

If you know me, you know that I have a “thing” for Wonder Woman.  Lynda Carter’s Wonder Woman was the first person I idolized (besides my sister), or more precisely, I wanted to BE her.  What woman doesn’t want to be strong and sexy and pilot an invisible jet?

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I’m all jazzed up after a 6-miler.

Since I’ve started running, I’ve thought a lot about Wonder Woman and how she has inspired me over the years.  I realize I will never be superhuman or immortal or even be able to fly that invisible jet, but strong and sexy?   THAT is something to strive for, and something I occasionally feel.

I’ve felt so, so good about my running these past few weeks.  I haven’t run very fast or even lots of miles, but I’ve just felt so good about myself and my body (and yes, even WITH that stubborn extra 5 pounds).  I know the good feeling has seeped into my home life (less yelling at my kiddo, less arguing with my spouse) and sometimes it’s evident at work, too.  I still worry about the results of my upcoming surgery and the lack of running, but I’m trying VERY hard not to whine about it.

Seriously, would Wonder Woman whine because she broke a heel from her boot?  HELL, NO!  She’d fix the boot or just go barefoot. (I mean, really, those boots can’t be comfortable ALL the time.)  The woman wouldn’t whine or complain, she’d just do something about the problem.

Now THAT is something else I need to strive for–no whining! Or how about minimize my whining? 🙂

Wish me luck!

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Like a bad penny…

….or annoying Cousin Eddie, I have returned.  I just couldn’t stay away, my friends.  Life has calmed down a smidge since we last talked, and I’ve really, really missed our late night chats.  This has been the best form of therapy I’ve ever found, so, with your permission, I’d like to continue.

As the weather improves, I’m slowly increasing my running mileage once again.  These past two months have included a bunch of frustrating treadmill runs and a five-pound weight gain that just will NOT go away.  My friend, Kirstenchocolatechips, says that the five pounds proves I’m really a runner now (can’t run as fast or as many miles outside as usual).  I really want to agree with her, but since I can’t put down the bag of chocolate chips that appears to be attached to my hand every evening, I’m thinking it might be something else.   My sister has always told me that if I want to lose weight, I better do it before I turn 40, because after that, your metabolism turns to shit.  (Hence my 45-pound weight loss 3 years ago.)  Yet with 40 looming on the horizon, I feel like I need to start calorie-counting again or just laying off the damn chocolate.  But I really do not want to do either….so how about I run more instead?

Unfortunately, my veins have something to say about my running.  Today I received my date of surgery for the removal of some of my varicose veins.  It’s not a big deal, really. In fact, I’ve had a similar surgery 10 years ago.  Basically, one vein the surgeon heats to close it down, and the others she actually removes pieces of the veins.  I can go back to work within a few days after the procedure and am required to walk every day, but no running for at least two weeks.  At that point, I have to start out slow and just see how much pain I can tolerate.

I’m not that worried about the surgery. In fact, I’m a little excited to have three days off in a row!  I know, I know, that sounds pathetic.  I think it means I need a vacation, but that will have to wait.  What really concerns me is taking the few weeks off from running.  I like that I HAVE to walk.  That means that I won’t be out of shape in that two weeks, but I’m already wondering how long it will take me to build my mileage back up?  I’m hoping, hoping, hoping to be back up to 9 miles just before the surgery. (I WILL run a half-marathon this year!!)  So after the two weeks are up and I seem able to run again, do I just try a few miles every other day and hope for 5 or 6 miles that weekend?  Or just do three?  I know that my doctor and a majority of my running friends will say, “Listen to your body and it will tell you what to do.”  I’m sorry, but I’m so not good at that!  I can listen to anyone else and can truly *hear* them.  But myself?  I typically misinterpret what my body says and either end up hurting or just get irritated at myself for not pushing harder.

So what’s a girl to do?  Since I still have another 4 weeks before my surgery, I guess I’ll just keep adding up the miles, as long as my body holds out, and hope to at least burn off those damn 5 pounds.  Then maybe I’ll eat just one more handful of chocolate chips.  Or maybe two….