anderson cooper

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Suffocated by Grief

Grief is loss. Pure and simple. You grieve a dead loved one but you can also grieve a job loss, a friend moving away, or even what you thought your life would be and now is impossible. This past week was filled with tiny losses and combined with anticipatory grief I’m feeling, I’m finding myself unable to take a deep breath.

Last Saturday, my husband and I went furniture shopping. We were looking for his “forever chair” (trademark pending). He needs a recliner where he can sleep when breathing is difficult or nap during the day when all of those meds kick in and it’s hard to stay awake. He wanted something where he could lay down but with a headrest that could elevate his head. When we found all of the electric recliners together, my husband started trying out a few chairs as we chatted with the salesperson. We explained to this 27-year-old woman that Walter was no longer able to do what he used to and he wanted to purchase what would be his last chair. She said she hoped it wouldn’t be his last, then went on to explain how she understands about body changes. Before I had a chance to roll my eyes, she talked about how she used to do gymnastics and after 13 years she stopped and now her body doesn’t respond or look like what it used to.

Ok. I could give her some grace there. A little.

After just three chairs, Wal found his “forever chair” that reclines, can elevate his head, has a back warmer and can lift him to standing position for the future (or those particularly bad pain and unsteady days now). We ordered a different color then what they had on the floor, then went out to eat to celebrate this purchase. I drank a flight of margaritas (I can’t believe I never knew that was a thing!) and went to one more furniture store so I could look at sofas. Before Wal was granted disability, we would talk about what we needed or wanted for the house. Having a recliner like what we bought was exactly what Wal talked about. It was as close to a hover chair from the Wall-E movie that he could get. (He’s been talking about those damn things since 2008.) And I wanted a new couch so we could get rid of the saggy, smelly, broken brown couch we currently have. I wanted something in a lighter color with a chaise lounge.

Bean loves the old couch, but I’m sure he’ll love the new one, too.

We walked into the furniture store next door to the restaurant, me feeling a little buzzed, and we tried out chairs and couches and felt different fabrics. We had been having a lovely day and we were relaxed and Wal’s pain was nearly non-existent. I wasn’t really planning on buying anything there until I saw the couch…with bookshelves built into the sides. The adorable salesman must have heard my gasp from across the showroom, because he appeared in seconds. The couch wasn’t quite what I envisioned, but then he led me to the sofa I had described PLUS the bookshelves, hidden storage, AND pulls out into a small bed.

Wal was immediately like, “Oh we’re getting this!” I could see my delight reflected in his face. So we sat on the sofa, both tried out the lounge, and we snuggled in for a few minutes. This was the one.

The snuggling was what won me over (and the bookshelves). See, my husband has been tremendously claustrophobic since a snow cave collapsed on him when he was 10 years old. After he was on a ventilator in 2020, this anxiety about being closed in or not being able to breathe has increased tenfold. So snuggling in bed while lying down? That hasn’t happened since 2020. Our couch is too low and saggy for him to sit on and be able to get up from, so no snuggling there. But now, with this new sofa, we can finally have that one little piece of our life back.

As we sat there in the store, Wal turned to me and said, “I want you to enjoy the hell out of this couch when I’m gone.” His eyes were sad, but he said it with a smile. I squeezed him tight and said I would.

The rest of that day was so joyful. No arguing, no grumpiness, no sadness really. It was a great day.

But you can only live in the afterglow of days like that for so long. The next day I was filled with so much sadness and what I now realize is anticipatory grief, that I couldn’t function. I took a walk, hoping I’d feel better afterwards, but that didn’t help. I listened to an audiobook, read a little, tried to write, drank wine—nothing made me feel better. And I couldn’t “do” anything, you know? I wanted to vacuum, plan meals for the week and clean my bathroom but none of that happened. Hell, I thought I’d take a bath instead and shave these long gams of mine, but that felt like A LOT of work. I ended up eating too much, drinking too much and finally just going to bed.

The rest of this week has been filled with little losses and some larger ones for my friends. I submitted written testimony for a bunch of anti-trans bills many Republicans in the Maine legislature wants to put through and although I was happy to do it, it made me so angry and sad and frustrated. My dear friend lost her sister unexpectedly due to cancer and it shocked me to the damn core. Some of my colleagues in the Maine library community had their last day at work this past week due to federal funding cuts. Their last day happened to be the second anniversary of my first day at the Bangor Library, but I couldn’t celebrate because it all felt so wrong.

Thinking about that work anniversary made me think about my first work anniversary as a library director. One of my dear patrons, Jan, had wanted to have a day-long celebration at the library with coffee or donuts for everyone, but my husband was in a coma at the time. We didn’t know if he’d live yet or if he had brain damage. So there wasn’t any kind of celebration. Those little things we don’t feel like we can celebrate is another form of loss. It’s like the people I know who have their birthdays on 9/11. It’s frowned upon to have a party on that day even though you want to celebrate your own life and absolutely should.

I know that not having those little celebrations isn’t really a big deal, but I kept feeling like those little losses were piling up on me. After the weird week, my husband and son were going to take me for an early Mother’s Day lunch today, but they both got sick. Then I had slightly uncomfortable conversation with a friend regarding politics and an email exchange with a co-worker that filled me with self-doubt. I then went to my mom’s grave wanting to talk to her but the lawn was being mowed at the cemetery and they were in her section. So I brushed off her gravestone, told her I loved her, kissed my hand and touched her name, then left more bereft than before.

I got home, started to talk to my husband about how I was feeling and I kept my arms across my chest holding myself. I know my voice was shaky and our son heard it. He came out to the kitchen where I stood, and enveloped me into his giant embrace. When your son is 6’8′ and a big guy, it’s the most comforting feeling to be hugged by him. I ended up sobbing because I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I was feeling so…weird. I can’t stop thinking about my friend losing her sister and I know that is leading to more thoughts about my husband’s health (her sister and my husband are the same age) and I just wanted to talk to my mom.

But a hug from my son was almost as good.

Wal came over and hugged us both. I dried my tears, put my feelings into a box and went on with the day.

The day is nearly over now. I just got back from a long walk while listening to All There Is, a podcast with Anderson Cooper that deals with grief. I listened to other people talk about their grief and cried along with them. Some people think I’m bananas because I often read about death and dying and grief or listen to podcasts like this or watch films about it. But I have to tell you that listening to others share their grief typically brings me comfort. I no longer feel alone in my own grief. Listening to others’ stories helps me keep living.

And telling you my story helps me find joy in living. Writing helps me find those breaths that seem nearly unattainable under the weight of grief and rage I feel some days.

So thank you for reading. Thank you for helping me to breathe again.

Tight hugs to you all.

UPDATE 5/25/25:

Here’s Wal, trying to relax in his “Forever Chair” with Wonder Woman looking on. Well…there are two of us looking on. 😉

And here’s my “Island of Peace” as my friend, Diane, calls it. As you can see, I’ve made myself at home–a basket of books, water and a margarita, the two books I’m currently reading, and my kitty blanket (thanks, Mo!).

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Take a Seat

For the past few weeks, my work has taken over my life–something I’m always telling other librarians NOT to do. But in this case, I was fighting for the library I work in and for the community it serves. It was a battle worth fighting and it looks like things might be ok. In another month the town’s budget will be voted on, and we’ll see how things turn out. The community has spoken and have shown their support for the library, its services and its staff. It was an amazing thing to see the community come together and show their love for this institution and for the work we do.

After this long, exhilarating yet exhausting week, I was looking forward to a weekend at home, reading a few books and getting some cleaning done. Yesterday morning I decided it was time to change things up. We have a sectional couch in our living room, and half of it has had some issues for some time. It was time to get rid of it.

As I pulled the cushions from the couch, I listened to Anderson Cooper’s podcast, All There Is. (Thanks, Anne.) Cooper begins the first episode of the podcast with cleaning out his mother’s apartment after she has died. This included finding some of his father’s and brother’s things. His father died of a heart condition when Anderson was 10, and his brother died from suicide when Anderson was 21. Most of the episodes talk to other famous people who have faced tremendous loss in their lives.

I had my earbuds in, listening to Anderson’s voice break when he discussed his dad, sometimes cry when he talked about either of his parents or brother. While I listened, I found myself really getting into tearing apart this couch. I took a sledgehammer to part of the wooden frame, I cut the fabric in places and other times I tore at it with my bare hands. At one point I found myself crying on the floor, thinking about my brother sitting on this very couch with me. How we would sit side by side and watch a movie and drink coffee together or talk about our latest read. I thought about my mom’s last Thanksgiving and how my son sat between us on that couch as we watched a Christmas movie together.

I was angry that my brother wasn’t there with me, helping me tear that fucking couch apart. I was angry that my mom wasn’t truly my mom for so many years before she died and devastated again that she had to die in a god damned nursing home.

And then….I wasn’t angry. Just achingly lonely. Although I have my family and my friends, sometimes the people I want are no longer here and I just feel so lonely without their presence, without their conversation and laughter and love.

Yet, what could I do at the moment? I could pound the shit out of that couch. So, I did.

This morning, though, as I drove my son to school, he turned to me and said, “You know what I realized this weekend? Right after I left work, my first job, I realized that I couldn’t share that first with Uncle or Grammy.” I nodded my head and sighed, “Yeah,” then rubbed his arm. We sat in silence the rest of the ride and told each other that we loved one another as he left the car.

As a parent, I celebrate so many of these firsts my son experiences–his first steps, first word (“no” by the way), his first ice cream cone, his first plane ride–and now I celebrate and grieve each of his firsts, and I have since my brother died 5 years ago. I just never realized that my bright, beautiful boy did, too.

When my brother, Phil, died, I was not available to my son. I thought I was to a point, but when I think about it now, and the fact that I didn’t realize that my kid would be missing his family just as much as me, I realize that I fucked up.

Yet I know I couldn’t have done anything different. During those dark days, there was a time when I was ready to die myself. I didn’t know how to live in this existence without Phil being here, too. To help my son was pretty much impossible at that time. I know I did try to listen to him and spend time with him, but once my mom moved in a few months later, my kid couldn’t count on me.

I truly hope that I’ve done better by my son since then. The amount of grief he’s had to experience would be insurmountable for some adults. He’s had to see me go through this loss while going through it himself, and literally having to pick me up off the floor. (I fainted after my mother’s funeral while he and I were home alone.)

I’ll do my best to keep the memory of my family in the present. We’ll keep acknowledging all of those firsts and talk about how proud the family would be, or what hilarious jokes my brother would tell. And I’ll keep taking my child and myself to therapy so we can continue to heal or at least function.

After all, we only have so much furniture we can tear apart.