anxiety attacks

by

End Times

Thursday morning I awoke with an anxiety attack. I don’t know what I had been dreaming, but my first thought was about my son’s ankles and the fact that they’ve been hurting him for a few weeks, shortly after he started playing football. That one thought spiraled into worries about new shoes and getting him a new doctor and worrying about the health of our current doctor and how do I pay for my last medical bill and I hope the food bank has more produce next week because this week was a bust and we really need more vegetables in the house and I need to stop thinking, stop thinking, stop thinking.

Yeah.

Hello, 4:30am.

So I got up, drank coffee, ate half a banana, and took a 4 mile walk while listening to a gloriously smutty romance novel. (Unfortunately Yours by Tessa Bailey–Anything by Bailey is fun and often smutty. Delicious!) My hip was screaming by the end of the walk, but at least I wasn’t concerned about money. The time outside and moving my body was enough to clear my head and make a plan to at least have my son’s ankles wrapped before that day’s football practice. I just refused to worry about the other stuff the rest of the morning. It was just too much to think about. It was just too, too much.

The thing is…life is not horrible. It’s hard for sure. It’s a struggle. It’s scary not knowing…anything really. The political climate of this country does not help matters. My son, my beautiful child, is a political science/government/history junkie and so we tend to read, listen and watch more news than ever before. But I have now had to stop, because I can’t stop freaking the fuck out.

I’m ashamed to say that when I heard there had been an assassination attempt on former President Trump, I was disappointed to hear that it was only an attempt. The anger I have at Trump for installing so many jackasses to the Supreme Court and his party’s disgusting Project 2025 plan, made me hope for his death. And I’m not happy that I had that reaction. There is no place for political violence.

But I have to be honest in how I feel. We’re living in a country where many women no longer have a right to choose what they do to their own bodies, and where librarians and teachers are harassed and called “groomers” for providing access to books that represent children like mine.

This isn’t the same country I was born and raised in. It’s turning into a hateful place, where people no longer feel safe to speak how they feel about a political candidate unless they are in a group of like-minded individuals. And I am speaking about both Republicans and Democrats. As a liberal Democrat living in a small conservative town, I rarely feel comfortable expressing how I feel here. When you see Trump signs or F*ck Biden signs on just about every road, how else should I feel? But I also know of librarians that are Republicans that will not say a word about politics for fear of their colleagues damning them for their views.

You know, I rarely talk about politics publicly. I work in a public library so I keep my mouth shut while at work (except with some colleagues), and at home we do talk about politics but sometimes it’s just too exhausting. It is incredibly difficult to live with someone who disagrees with you politically. So most days we keep it to a minimum. That’s how we’ve remained married for nearly 27 years. Yet our son, who knows more about American history than we do, and is thoughtful and knowledgeable about our current political system, will bring facts and a sense of calm to our family discussions. (Facts and calm to political discussions. Isn’t that something?) I see my son and much of his generation as a beacon of hope. When they are of age to vote and run for office, I hope we will begin to see a change in our world for the better.

And hope is what we need right now. All of us. For a variety of reasons.

You know, I sent this photo to a friend recently who is no longer speaking to me. I’m not sure why they’re not speaking to me, but it may have nothing to do with me. It was a message to let them know that I have hope that our friendship will remain and hope that our lives will get better, but also just to say that I’m still here.

And I am. I’m here. And so are you. And I’m so happy and thankful for that. So let’s get through another night together. I know we can make it through. ❤

by

Worry, Concern, Apprehension

Anxiety: “The state of feeling nervous or worried that something bad is going to happen.”–Oxford Learner’s Dictionary. The Mayo Clinic defines anxiety as an “intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Fast heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, and feeling tired may occur.”

Have you ever had an anxiety attack? Not a panic attack–where you truly feel like you’re dying–but a sudden feeling of anxiousness and worry and maybe have trouble breathing? For the past few days, since we came back from our “vacation,” I’ve had a few of these attacks. This “vacation” was time away from home, but not nearly enough relaxing. There was a LOT of stress between the actual traveling (slept in an airport, spent 7 hours in another one) and visiting family and honestly…me being me. Trying to make everyone happy at least some of the time is what I tend to do in ALL situations–family, friends, work. And this was a visit to some family we haven’t seen in a while and I knew it was bound to be stressful but…was it really any worse than any other visit?

After arriving home (10 hours later than we were supposed to) and enjoying sleeping in my own bed again, I felt a bit off. Again, that’s to be expected. Post vacation blues are a real thing, hence my large brownie for breakfast that next morning. I spent several hours doing laundry, emptying suitcases, vacuuming, and feeling productive. Then I headed to my scheduled therapy appointment…and completely lost it.

I’ve been told that sometimes when you completely relax, emotions and memories and pain can all rise to the surface because your body and mind are no longer going at top speed. And although I didn’t get a lot of that relaxing time, I did have at least a few hours where I just swam in the sun or dozed in a dark, cool room or walked along a secluded lakeside path. But I thought about so little during those times nor did I think of much again until I sat in my therapist’s office. And even then I just FELT everything. I was completely overwhelmed with grief and confusion and loss and maybe wishing for something I can’t have?

I don’t know.

All I know is that I couldn’t leave my therapist’s office. I could not stand up. I did not know how to leave, how to take one step in front of the other and walk out her door. I was sobbing and asked her to give me an assignment because I knew if I had one thing to focus on, I could at least leave her office and get to my car. So she did, and somehow I left the building.

The next afternoon I was on my way to drop my son off at the mall when all of a sudden the noises I could hear were literally taking my breath away. The radio was on, my son was talking, his phone might have been playing something, we just passed a bunch of kids on bikes…it all became too much. I had to pull over, shut off the radio and asked him to just stop for a minute so I could breathe. I closed my eyes, took a few breaths, and I was better. He asked if I was ok, and I said not really, but would be. I cried a few miles later and we talked about how this trip, this “vacation” affected us both. The horrible traveling really got to my son, as well as the heat and possibly a bit too much visiting. 🙂 He then played us some 80s music as we continued on to the mall and we both felt immensely better.

On Sunday I had planned to run and boost up my endorphins. But a friend called and needed my husband and I, and honestly, I was glad he did. Focusing on someone else’s problems and/or pain is a great way to distract you from your own! It also resolved some issues that have lingered for nearly 30 years, so I’m grateful for that and the fact we were able to help and be there for our friend.

But today, as I drove my son to school, anxiety overwhelmed me once again. There was no music, no noise, no talking even. I didn’t need to pull over this time, but I did need to take many deep breaths and try to just focus on the road. Once I dropped my son off, I called my doctor and asked to double my antianxiety meds. (I’m currently on the lowest dose possible and have been for nearly two years.) He said I could, so tonight I’ll give it a shot and see how the next few weeks go.

I started to write this tonight to try and figure out what is going on in my brain. I don’t know if I’m much closer to any answer, but it felt good to get something out on “paper.” Although my therapy can be tremendously helpful, my secondary form of therapy, aka blogging, can also clarify situations, problems, ideas or emotions enough for me to at least carry on until I can figure things out.

So…as always…thank you for listening. If you ever feel this high level of anxiety, please reach out to get some help, ok? Even if it’s just to talk to someone for a little bit. You can always reach out to me, too. You don’t have to know me but know I can listen. I’m not a professional so please reach out to a counselor or therapist if that’s what you need, but if you need a sounding board, I’m happy to help.

Take care, all. ❤