menopause

Experiencing hot flashes and night sweats has to be the least fun thing I’ve experienced in quite some time. I’ve been dealing with both for a few years, but now that I’m officially post-menopausal, rage has started to accompany the hot flashes. Typically, I have them at night after 7pm, but every once in a while in the middle of the day I get a hot flash with a horrible mood swing. So far I’ve been able to tamp down on my crankiness while at work, but at home? Oh my word, I can be truly awful.

Last month I went to my gynecologist, and we had a real sit-down about getting an estrogen patch or pill. We discussed the pros and cons of both meds as well as not taking them at all. Since I still have my uterus, women like me can take a combo patch that includes estrogen and progesterone. The progesterone is to reduce the risk of uterine cancer. The advantage to the patch vs the pill is that if you have digestive issues, the pill can be rough on your system for some folks and the pill can increase the likelihood of blood clots. So after the discussion, we decided on the patch. This isn’t something you’re on forever. My doctor has a plan for each woman and usually it’s a few years you’re on it to get you through this icky and stressful time.

*This is what I look like every night. Throw in some f-bombs and this is me.*

Now here we are, FOUR WEEKS LATER, and still no patch. Why? Because the fucking insurance company keeps coming up with excuses to NOT cover the med. The one that gets me is that I’m too old. Huh?!? I am 50 and the average age of a woman who has gone into menopause is 51. So WTF?!? The insurance company has thrown it back to my doctor FOUR TIMES, with a different reason each time. If I want an antidepressant, I can get it in a day. The fact that sweating through my clothes and sheets each night or not sleeping well or having fits of RAGE is not enough for the insurance, then what the fuck is?

My doctor actually warned me that this might happen. She’s the one who said we’d have to deal with the “manarchy” and it could take some time for this to go through. Meanwhile I have called her office every week for any kind of update and gave them a synopsis of my symptoms, too, so they could put that into their notes. Obviously it didn’t help much, but I refuse to give up.

In some ways menopause feels like puberty again, at least the mood swings part. And the weight gain. At least I’m not bleeding through my pants–now I just want to rip them off because I’m sweating through them.

Friends, if you experience any of this bullshit, I am here with you and for you. If you have not or cannot, but your friends/partner/family does, please show them some empathy and give them their space. We’re just trying to survive and not hurt anyone else in the process.

Hugs to you, friends. From a distance. Because seriously, do not touch me right now.

For some women, menopause is an ugly word. I know women that felt their femininity would no longer exist as soon as their menstrual cycle ceased. Personally, I think that’s bullshit, but I can understand the sentiment. Being a woman has a different definition for each of us, and if bleeding each month is what defines you, so be it.

Perimenopause, however, is a slightly different creature. This is the transition period, the yellow brick road *to* permanent infertility, something I’m looking forward to. (I love my child but I don’t need another.) Yet like so many other transitions (potty training, puberty, newly married), perimenopause can be a bitch.

I’ve been going through this for about a year now, but these past few months have been horrific. I know there have been other issues that have made a huge impact on me and my emotions (lack of running, family’s health problems, etc.), but the way my moods have been swinging from high to low and even lower still, reminds me of my teen years. In other words, it’s hell.

If someone asked me if I would ever go back in time to my high school years to do something different, I’d say “Hell no!” and run from the person. Not only was I fat and miserable back then, but I cried for no reason and the many, many times I was angry at someone or something, I ate and ate until the anger dissipated.

Fortunately, I no longer eat away my anger, but I yell or run it out. (But since I haven’t been able to run lately….well…let’s say I’ve had to apologize a lot to both my family and my co-workers.) The mood swings though….oh man, the mood swings. Today, I had a 5-minute conversation with my husband that started with happy chatting to angry barking to calm talking and finally to tears. That was all from me and not him. He was happily chatting, then was on alert the rest of the conversation, looking slightly baffled. I apologized AGAIN, and told him it was going to be a rough 10 years. A DECADE OF THIS?!? No one will survive if this is how it’s going to be.

Tomorrow, a trip to the drugstore is needed. Have you heard of Estroven? It’s supposed to be some kind of natural supplement that can help “reduce hormone-related irritability.” My doctor told me to give it a try. I know folks used to use black cohosh a lot to help with this stuff, but my doc told me to stay away from it. Apparently it can cause problems with your liver, and since I had pancreatitis this summer? Yeah. Let’s be good to my internal organs, shall we?

If you’ve experienced any of this perimenopausal craziness, I’d love to hear about it and what you did to help yourself.

And if you’re emailing from a prison or a mental institution because of the result of said craziness, I’ll be happy to send you chocolate….or maybe a box of Estroven.