assisted living

…but did I try hard enough? Last night, as I sat with my mom, as we laughed and cried at “This is Us,” I rode an emotional roller coaster between guilt and relief at what today would bring.

This past week, Mom’s memory has been the best it’s been in over 2 months. Physically it hasn’t been great, but mentally things were better. Yet I know that it won’t always be that way. I know that a residential care facility and the folks that work there will care for her the way she should be. She won’t be alone for 6 hours a day like she has been while I’m at work. I know she’ll eat lunch and it will be good for her (and hopefully yummy) and I won’t have to inspect the trash or fridge to see if she ate what I put out for her or if she ate a half loaf of bread instead.

It also means I won’t have to change her sheets when she had an accident. I won’t have to clean the bathroom floor or the toilet or the bathroom counter nearly every single day like I’ve had to for two months. I won’t have to sneak into her room and steal her dirty clothes so I can clean them. Or ask her multiple times to please change her clothes or to take a shower.

But it also means she won’t be here as we eat our dinner around the table and talk about our day. Or laugh at silly things we find on television. Or fold all of our clean laundry (this was one of her favorite things to do).

For the past few weeks, various medical professionals as well as my friends and family have all said, “It’s ok. You’re doing the right thing for both your mom AND for you.” But this afternoon it did not feel like that at all.

My sister and I drove my mom to her new home, and it really is a lovely place. It’s not assisted living or a nursing home, but a residential care facility which is kind of in-between the two. It’s a very homey place, doesn’t smell like a nursing home or a hospital. Mom’s roommate is fantastic and she loves to watch tv as much as Mom does.

But as soon as we got there, Mom was angry and upset. After we sat in her room for a minute, I had to get up and leave because I was starting to cry and I wanted to find the director. Mom argued with my sister about why she had to be there, saying that yes she could take care of herself, but thankfully, my wise sister, distracted Mom with photos and questions about our grandfather. By the time I got back, Mom was smiling and was willing to let me put her clothes in the dresser. Later she went to lunch in the dining room with everyone else (and my sister) while I filled out paperwork.

We visited for a while longer and I encouraged Mom to walk about in the rest of the building, check out the two large areas to sit and read in or watch television. She sat in her recliner before we left and settled in to watch tv with her roommate. Once my sister and I got to the car, I sobbed. It felt truly awful to leave Mom. I felt like I abandoned her and let her down. I’ve felt guilty just thinking about when this day would come, and now that it’s here, that guilt sits heavy in my stomach, my chest and my head.

guilt-and-grief

I KNOW that Mom needed more care than I could give her. I KNOW that my son needs me and has needed me the past few months when I put my mother’s needs before his. I KNOW that my mental health needed this to happen.

So why does it feel wrong? Why does my stomach still hurt and my chest feel tight? Why do I feel so guilty when it’s the right thing to do?

My mother always said that when she gets to the point where she needs to be in a home, then that’s what we need to do. She never wanted to live with her children because she never wanted to “burden” us. But now that we’re facing the truth that she needs to be somewhere besides her own home….well, let’s just say that without planning for the future, we can say whatever we want but it doesn’t make it a reality.

I moved Mom in with my family a few weeks ago. She just had a major surgery that would help her circulation and we just couldn’t send her back home. She had stopped taking her medication, even with many reminders. Her diabetes was out of control (will lose several toes next week), she barely ate, and her house was….awful. You have to understand that my mother was always an immaculate housekeeper. Everything was cleaned A LOT. Very little clutter (except the occasional tabletop or closet) and just a really neat house, you know? I realize that when you get older, you can’t do as many things. I get it. But not like this. Food was rotting on the counter. Plants could grow on the carpet. Burnholes in the mattress and clothing. This wasn’t my mom’s house anymore. This wasn’t my mom. And this wasn’t safe.

So, what to do? Assisted living? Nursing home? My house? Honestly, there weren’t many options. At that time, if she didn’t come home with me, she’d go back home. And I couldn’t do that. I felt like that was neglect on my part. Cruel, even. But is it cruel to take her away from her home? Maybe. But the things that have happened at my house since she’s arrived has made me realize how bad her dementia and her physical health really are. Every time I had to go to her house, I was always worried about what I’d find. And don’t get me wrong, there were good days. But so many bad ones.

Is it any better with Mom living with my family? Well…..yes and no. She now takes her meds, she eats, she changes her clothes every day, she washes up and she showers. Most of those things were not happening at her home. Is she happy? I’m not sure. Was she happy before? I don’t know. I really don’t.

And what about my family? Lots of changes. Difficult some days, but we laugh as much as we can. My husband has been an absolute saint through all of this. He’s been so supportive and helpful. My son is doing well, although we have had many discussions about what we don’t like about our current situation and what we do like. He loves his grandmother with everything he has, but it’s still difficult when you lose your bathroom and Grammie acts odd sometimes. Both my husband and I try to carve out one-on-one time to spend with him. We always spent time with him before, but now it’s even more vital.

And me? Well, I finally start counseling next week so maybe that will help? I’m definitely feeling more stressed than ever before, feeling pulled in so many directions. I ended up crying on the phone to the hospital when they changed my mother’s appointments after I had completely rearranged my life so I could get her there. The woman on the phone was unbelievably sweet but I can just imagine what she thought.

I often think about my brother and wonder what he would think of all this. I miss being able to talk with him and vent. My sister has been as good of a help as she can be, but Phil would help us find he humor in all of this. I’m trying to do that. Like guessing which cupboard my mother will put the peanut butter in. Yesterday was the refrigerator so I got that one wrong! And at least now there are as many humans in the house as there are cats!

alzheimers-nurse-humor

We are working on a plan for when Mom’s health changes. But that takes time. I’ve already waded through piles of paperwork, nurse and social worker visits, and there’s still more to be done. Do I want my mom to stay with us? Yes. Most days. I love her and I’m really trying to do what’s best for her. But I also know that I need to have boundaries. My family needs those boundaries. When Mom’s mental and/or physical health gets to a certain point, then another move will have to happen. In the end, I know I need to do what’s best for me and my family. I just hope I’ll know what that is when the time comes.