As my husband’s health declines, so does his independence. He recently looked through our closet and took out a bunch of clothes that he used to wear to work. He doesn’t need them anymore nor do they fit him. He’s lost nearly 60 pounds since he wore those clothes. As he looked at all the pants and shirts he no longer needed, he got really sad. He said he felt like he was losing some of his “manhood,” not being able to provide what he used to for our family. I didn’t make many comments, just told him how sorry I was and cried along with him.

This week, he’s decided he can no longer drive. Due to his diabetes, Wal has had shots in his eyes to make him see better. But now since the cost of each shot is over $4,000 due to our crappy health insurance and the fact that his diabetes is no longer controlled in any way, he’s nearly blind in one eye. The last time we were out for a drive (I was driving) he realized he couldn’t see the pedestrians on the side of the road. He knew at that point that his driving days were over, but he waited a few weeks with no driving to finally say it out loud. He’s always been a person who really cared about safety of his work place, his home, and his family, so he knew he made the right decision. But it still hurt both of us deeply.

Wal can no longer read due to his vision. He listens to audiobooks constantly, thank goodness, but he does miss the act of reading. (And many of his favorite books are not in audio version.) Whenever he needs a prescription called in, I typically do it because he can’t see the numbers on the bottle well enough. Whenever we watch the national news, there are headlines on the bottom of the screen which I now read out loud to him. It really feels like we became an old retired couple overnight, you know?

Yet even with all of these small but significant losses piling up, we found something that made us happy and gave us both a little more freedom.

These electric scooter carts in some stores opened up both of our worlds. Usually, when we go shopping of any kind, I go into the store and Wal either stays in the car or stays at home. One day, he was feeling good and went into Home Depot with me. There in the front of the store, were several scooters. He leaned on his cane and just stared at them. A lovely gentleman came up to us and asked if we’d like him to show us how to use them. Wal immediately agreed and before you know it, he was speeding along the aisles. We loved it! I was free to wander on my own and not worry about him, and he was finally able to browse like he used to. We were both in such good moods after our little trip. Neither one of us felt rushed, and in an odd way, it felt a little like when were first married. We were enjoying our time together, even while looking at light switches.

This past weekend, we went shopping with our son and Wal used a scooter in BJ’s Wholesale Club. Our son laughed with absolute joy by seeing his father zoom around. There was definitely some “man, he’s so old and decrepit” vibes, but it didn’t matter. It was good for both of us to see Wal have a little autonomy.

The emotional rollercoaster that is our lives rocks and rolls on. I hope y’all are doing better or at least not worse.

Hugs to y’all. ❤