Belize

It actually happened.

Two weeks ago, I went on vacation with 4 of my favorite humans. To say we had the time of our lives was an understatement. When you laugh so hard each night that you cry and have a belly ache, you know you are surrounded by people that you not only love, but love spending time with.

We traveled to Belize and had the most amazing time. I can truly say it was the best five days of my life. Things at home were not wonderful while I was gone, but I had to keep telling myself that I just needed to let it go. Mostly I did.

Here are some highlights: saw numerous creatures at the Belize Zoo, including spider monkeys (where I cried because I felt like my brother was there, feeling just as excited to be so close to these lovelies); had a beach day where we all swam in the warm water, drank margaritas on the beach, and played cornhole in our bathing suits; went to the Xunantunich Mayan Ruins with a very informed and funny guide, climbed the massive structure and saw lizards and bats along the way; experienced cave tubing; visited a cacao farm and had a hand in making chocolate; swam under the waterfalls; had a massage (thanks, Trish!); ate delicious dishes and fresh fruit each day; heard and saw so many different types of birds that I’ve never seen or heard before; swam in the pool; went for a run; shopped a little; tried to speak Spanish a teensy bit; and drank and laughed each night.

There are hundreds of more photos that I get to look at each day. I did not take a ton (maybe 100), but thanks to my friends, we had over 500 (probably much more) to look at and do what we want with. Many of the ones I haven’t shared are all of us hanging out at the pool on our last full day in Belize. Looking at photos from that afternoon just gives me such good feelings. We were warm and our bellies full and we were enjoying the water and each other’s company. Hell, that was really every day of the vacation.

I know how lucky I am to have been able to travel to another country, to take a vacation, to spend it with my friends. I know how lucky I am to have these friends (and many others) that I have known for most of my life–over 35 years–and still love them and call them my family. They bring me joy and so much damn laughter.

I knew that when I came back from this dream vacation, I would need to hold onto the memories because life at home was and is hard. I cried the day before we left Belize. I knew that my life wasn’t going to feel this carefree and fun for a very long time.

My husband was not able to work while I was away and is now no longer working at all. Between congestive heart failure and now the neuropathy in his feet due to diabetes, there is no other way around it. Our health insurance ends this month and I will start paying for insurance that isn’t as good through my work, but at least it’s something. We will lose our doctor, our favorite doctor we’ve had for years, because he doesn’t take this new insurance. And now we’ve contracted with a lawyer to help my husband apply for disability. If all goes well, he might be able to receive SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance)–the thing we’ve been paying for all of our lives–in a year…or two…or three.

We, in short, are all grieving so many things this week.

I’ll be able to look on the bright side of things tomorrow. Or maybe it’ll have to wait another day. Either way, I did have Belize. For that, I will be forever grateful.

Take care of each other, friends. I appreciate you.

Hugs to you all. ❤

In another week, I hope to be hanging with four of my girlfriends in our rented villa in Belize. Sounds absolutely amazing, doesn’t it?!?

I just NEED to get there.

Today my husband and I spent over 4 hours in the emergency room. After three days of high blood pressure and heart palpitations, our doc said it’s best we go to the ER since they can do tests and get results today, compared to doing tests at his office and waiting two days.

But that’s not what happened. When we walked in, we were warned that their computer system was down and no idea when it would be brought back up. We figured we’d stay anyways because they could still do tests…unless you get a medical professional that doesn’t think you need any.

Three hours after we stepped through the doors, my husband is finally seen. Unbelievably, his blood pressure was actually normal at that time. The PA couldn’t see my husband’s records, but knew he had congestive heart failure. He said he might do some tests if he can look into his records. BUT HE COULDN’T, SO WHY BOTHER TO STRING US ALONG?

An hour later, I told my husband we should leave. They were working on discharge papers but weren’t sure how long it would take. I was done. I was angry at the PA, angry at my husband, angry at the world. So we left.

Once we got home, we sat in our driveway and I just cried. I let it all out. I told him how disappointing it is to have to do everything at home (cook, clean, laundry) even though I know he often feels like garbage. But when I get home after a long day and he’s been home, can’t the dishwasher be emptied at least? But I also told him how frustrating dealing with his health is, how we should just pull the pin on this disability thing and he should downgrade to part-time work. We’ll lose our insurance and try to get something in Marketplace we can afford. But it’s all so fucking scary and rage-inducing. We should be in a much better place in our lives, but instead we’re still fucking struggling like we did 25 years ago.

And yet between sobs, I told him I feel guilty of living my life and traveling with my friends, while he stays home, barely living at all. But he told me that he wants me to keep living and traveling, because that’s what I want to do and should keep doing it.

But…our lives include things like this in the shower. (Which, I’m not gonna lie, I hate. I feel like I don’t fit in our shower now, and I feel like the handle is just in my way. Isn’t that the most fucking selfish thing anyone has ever thought?!?) I also ordered husband a cane that should be here this week. It all feels just so…unfair and overwhelming and just plain shitty.

Ten minutes ago I completely melted down by the tremendously overwhelming task of…making my lunch for tomorrow. It’s a salad for fuck’s sake, and I dissolved into a sobbing mess at the thought of trying to cut up chicken to put into it. I alternate between sitting at my kitchen table and typing this, to laying my head down in front of my laptop. It’s really not a pretty sight.

So…I’m listening to ocean waves and trying not to spiral and overthink our future. I’m going to envision the best-case, worst-case and most likely scenario of what the next few years will be. Best-case? My husband’s health stabilizes enough that he can work full-time for now and we keep our insurance. Worst-case scenario? He stops working all together and is denied disability over and over. We not only lose our insurance (and our doctor because he doesn’t take any other insurance now) but must sell our home and move into a small apartment. Or…my husband dies.

Most-likely scenario? I think it’s in between. I am hoping my husband can work part-time. Yes, we’d lose this insurance, but I know we can find something on Marketplace. I think it would be more than what we want to pay (or rather *should* pay), but I’m not sure there’s much we can do about that.

I made Husband promise to not die this week or next week while I’m on vacation. I guess now I just keep on moving forward, right? I know how lucky I am to be able to take this trip with four of my favorite people. Do I wish I wouldn’t have to worry about what was happening at home? Of course. But…I just have to do this. I need a break from my life and I swear, I do know how fortunate I am to get that.

So I’m going to take that break. And I’m going to hope for the best. And when I get home? I’ll keep moving one foot in front of the other and gather forces to try and navigate our current circumstances. We’ll figure it out, right?

Hugs to all of you. ❤