positivity

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Until Your Love Runs Out

“With gratitude, optimism is sustainable.”–Michael J. Fox

I heard Fox say that once in a recent interview. It takes effort for his body not to shake or move due to Parkinson’s Disease, yet he’s still grateful for and optimistic about his life. I immediately found a scrap of paper and wrote this quote down because I knew I’d need it at some point. And now here I am, trying my best to embrace those words.

Your comments, messages, emails, texts and phone calls in response to my last post, was the best explosion of love I have felt in quite some time. I am not only grateful for y’all, but finding others that have been or are currently in the same situation, lightened my stress by just a bit. Thank you. So much!

Because of my blog post, my husband and I had some honest conversations, including his daily fears and what the future will bring. We added to our vision board with our own hopes and also YOUR words of encouragement.

When I asked my son what he wanted on the board, he said to win the Calvin Coolidge Scholarship. This is the one he’s been working really hard on–reading Coolidge’s autobiography, writing 3 essays and 3 short answer questions. I helped him with his resume and he got the two letters of recommendation he needed. The deadline is Thursday, so much of his life will be consumed by this for the next few days. He said, “You know, Mom, I really doubt I’ll get it, but I’m really proud of myself for trying.” I’m so damn proud of him, too. He set a goal and he’s kicking ass trying to achieve it. ❤

We’re feeling some hope this weekend. I was able to buy groceries yesterday and filled the house with healthy foods and now I’m cooking up a storm. I paid most of our bills and with a bit of juggling, should be able to pay the others around their due dates. (I know many of you know this juggling I speak of. We’re basically fucking financial experts, aren’t we?) Today my husband looked at bars for the shower and toilets that are higher than what we have. With help from one of my colleagues, I now have a short list of attorneys we may want to talk to soon about the process of applying for disability, but he’s not at that point quite yet. He has to stop working before he’s even able to apply. I really, really hope that isn’t this year.

But if it is, then we’ll deal with it. Because that’s what we do and what you’d do, too.

For today, though, we’re going to move forward and hope we can continue to keep putting one foot in front of the other. We’re going to listen to this positive potato. (My son gave this to me yesterday as my late Christmas present. I LOVE IT!)

So let’s do our thing, friends. I believe in you, just as much as you believe in me. Let’s keep chugging along until the love runs out.

Hugs for all!

Thank you, One Republic, for letting me borrow and edit your lyrics for my blog post title.

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Power of Positive Thinking

On my run today, I started working on my posture. It’s truly awful. I’ve always been a sloucher. When you’re over 6 feet tall and a majority of your friends are “average” height, you find yourself hunching your shoulders and slouching to try and shorten yourself. My brother was 6’6″ and his posture was just as horrible. He had a little hump near the end of his life and I can see that happening to me, too. (As I’m typing this, I’m sitting ramrod straight just thinking about it!)

Since I was trying to relax my shoulders and run tall, I didn’t worry about my pace this morning. But the route I took included a long, steep hill, and normally that’s when I feel my shoulders meeting my ears and my gaze aiming at the ground. Not today! I kept thinking, “Ok, you can do this. Don’t worry about your pace, just keep those shoulders back and look straight ahead. And relax, damn it!” So I talked to myself in my head for a few minutes, then started to think about the week ahead.

Tomorrow, five months to the day since his “widow maker” of a heart attack, this guy is undergoing another cardiac catherization and a stent inserted into a 100% clogged artery.

As I was slowly ascending that hill, I thought about this blog and the outpouring of support I’ve received because of it. When my husband was on a ventilator and in a coma in 2020, people around the country were sending him healing thoughts and prayers. I’m not exaggerating. We know a lot of folks between the two of us and they’re all over the place. And due to this blog and at least one dear friend’s move, we now know folks all over the world. So, once again, I am asking for those positive thoughts sent this way.

When Husband had his heart attack in June (the day after my birthday), he was told he might need this upcoming surgery. But he didn’t really remember that. I did. He was a little surprised in the fall when his doctor told him he’s need this stent fairly soon. And then in October, what little energy my husband had, he was losing quickly. He wasn’t (and isn’t) well. Then one day, while I was away at a conference, both his doctor and his boss told him he needed to take a break from work. His boss’ words were, “You’re not having another heart attack on my watch.” Our family doctor has been concerned and thought he might need to stop working…possibly for good. But Husband said “no.” He’ll stop working until after the surgery, but he’s too young to stop all together. We hope! (Meanwhile, he’s been getting shots in his eyes due to his diabetes…and those shots have advanced his tiny cataracts into full-blown cataracts. So that surgery will be next month!)

Tomorrow morning, we will head, once again, to the hospital. This time, though, they won’t have to save his life while quickly putting a stent in. This time, the operation will take three hours and the surgeons can take their time, look around, do what they need to do. Hopefully it will extend my husband’s life. Hopefully his energy will improve and he’ll be able to do things again. Maybe he can do yard work without having heart palpitations or take a walk with me without having to nap afterwards. I thought those things would happen this summer or fall, but they didn’t.

So let’s get this shit fixed, ok? Let’s raise my husband’s quality of life.

Let’s get him living again.

Love to you all. Thank you in advance for sending those good vibes our way. ❤