During the past few months, my running schedule has been nearly nonexistent. My back was not cooperating. I walked a lot on the treadmill and used a variety of Leslie Sansone walking dvds just to try to keep up some level of fitness through the winter.  As my back seemed to get better, I attempted a run or two. Although it felt good at the time, I was usually hurting the next day. I was frustrated, feeling fat, and just plain sad.

Then I found this book.

This was a book my library bought over 3 years ago. I didn’t read it at the time because I didn’t need it. I was at my ideal weight and had already been running for a year or so. But now after a long winter AND spring of being 8 pounds over my ideal weight, I’ve had enough.

You know, I thought maybe breaking it off with Mr. Scale would not only help my mental state, but also improve my physical one. But it didn’t help either my mind or my body. Instead, I counted calories the entire month and tried to workout once a day. And after 31 days? I weighed *exactly* the same. I’m glad you couldn’t see my face when I weighed myself. Hell, I’m glad *I* couldn’t see my face. I must have looked shocked, disappointed, pitiful.

After a few days of moping and probably some angry eating, I started to delve more into this book. I had to forget that I ever ran before. The authors say that in the book at one point. Everyone needs to start at the beginning. And it’s ok. Stage 1 is just walking 30 minutes a day for 3-4 days a week. I had been doing that all winter, so I was at least all set with Stage One. The next part was only running a minute and walking for four. Each stage thereafter is less walking and more running, until you’re running 30 minutes and walking to cool down.

I’m currently at Stage 5, walking for 2 1/2 minutes and running for 5. You move on from each stage after a week or two, depending how you feel. Since I’ve been sick all week and only ran this twice, I will stay in Stage 5 for at least another week.

Do I feel like I’ve made a huge leap backwards? Oh hell yeah. Thinking that I was gearing up for my half just 2 years ago, feels a little like a dream sometimes. But….I have to remember that this is all ok. I have to start somewhere, and at the beginning seems the right place to start.

But….I will say that I wish…oh how I wish….that I didn’t care about these fucking 8 pounds. But honey, my pants would be on fire if I said I didn’t care.

My body just doesn’t feel “right.” My clothes don’t fit correctly anymore. I just returned a medium-sized t-shirt for a large because I felt like my muffin top and back fat were oozing out everywhere. *This* is a horrible feeling!!! If you’ve ever experienced it, you *know* what I’m talking about. And when it’s only EIGHT pounds making you feel that way, remember what it was like when you had those 80 pounds? Or 50? Or 150?

I REMEMBER.

I felt…insignificant. I felt….ugly. I felt….ashamed.

And this is how I feel right now.

I hate it. I don’t want to feel this way. I’ve tried so hard to overcome these mental beatings I keep giving myself. And there are days when I can do it. A lot of this past year has been about me working on loving who I am….but loving my body is just not easy for me to do.

I know my sister often gets mad at me when I’m counting calories and obsessing over food and my weight. She has certainly overcome the body image issues we grew up with, and I’m so proud of her. I keep hearing her voice in my head, telling me to stop being this way. To love my body like she has learned to love hers.

I’m just not there. Not yet.

Do I hope that this Run Your Butt Off program will solve all of my weight problems? Of course I do. Just like I hope buying a lottery ticket will solve my financial problems. But do I *really* think that? No. Not really. I do hope the RYBO program will get me in better shape, though. I think if I don’t push myself too hard or run too many days in a row, my body should be able to run a bit again. And yes, I most certainly hope it will also help me lose these incessant 8 pounds.  But do I think the program will make me love my body? Nope. It’s not a program filled with miracles or brain-washing. It’s just about running.

So…let’s just concentrate on that right now. I need to deal with my body and learning how to run again. How to breathe again. How to warm up and stretch. And just how to enjoy that time outside with my music, my beautiful surroundings…and my body.

 

 

 

 

It made me look forward to running again. It made me love it again.