To Smile or Not to Smile

Tonight, at a library function, I met someone that knew my brother. After we were introduced, she tilted her head slightly and with a big-ass smile on her face she said, “Your brother passed away last year, right?” She was still smiling. WHY THE FUCK WAS SHE SMILING?!?  I wanted to rip her throat out. If I had the strength, I would have taken my bare hands and ripped her mouth from her face. But I think I was too shocked to completely register my anger.  Why…what…why was she smiling? Really. Please tell me. Instead of scarring her for life, I quietly answered, without a smile on my face, “Yes. Yes he did.” She proceeded to tell me how she knew him and talked about the little dog that lived in my brother’s house but I could still only think about murdering her.


Has enough time passed that I’m supposed to be ok with someone asking about my brother’s death with a goddamned smile on their face?!? Am I EVER supposed to be ok with this? Because I can assure you that I am not nor ever will be ok with a fucking smile on your face when you ask about my brother or his death.  Losing him was the worst thing to ever happen to me and it has changed who I am. I miss him every damned day. I no longer have that person in my life who will recommend books, movies, and music to me and knows what I’ll like or hate, and will recommend shit I hate anyway. He’d do it just to push my limits but in a way that ended up opening my world just a little bit more. He was that person that made me laugh about things that you probably shouldn’t, but you know you can because it’s ok with him. He was the fucking life and laughter of our family and now he’s gone.


So if someone asks you, “Do you smile when you ask about the large black hole in someone’s chest or that limb that they’re missing?”

The correct answer is NO.

4 thoughts on “To Smile or Not to Smile

  1. I kept reading through your blog waiting for the turn-around ………. something wonderful that this person had to share with you about him, something surprising, something sweet ……..

    I couldn’t believe nothing came from them …….. that this odd response was all there was. I can only think this person was nervous and didn’t know how to respond appropriately, but you DID …… with such control and grace.

  2. Very brave of you ❤ my dad passed away semi suddenly in August and I find myself with a mixture of total sadness/happiness (he left us with joyful memories daily)/ disbelief/every human emotion you can think of in overdrive… people also react in this weird (somehow disrespectful) disbelieving manner… some with stupid grins on their faces (that I wouldnt mind removing for them) but thats ok too. When people say…”time heals all wounds ” I call BULLSHIT because it doesnt… we just learn how to adapt and cope ❤❤❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s