disability

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Moving Forward

I rarely write about good things happening in my life. It’s not that they don’t happen, but they are typically what some would call “small.” For instance, I go to the gym and I consider it successful if I’m able to not only use all the machines I want to, but to slightly increase the weight or reps I do. Or I have a productive day at work with little drama AND I reach 10,000 steps on the same day. Or I get to spend quality time with my little family and it doesn’t end in anyone arguing.

Those are my “good things.” But as of this past week, I feel like my bucket runneth over! After over a year of not working and having both mental and physical tests conducted and paperwork filled out by the truckload, my husband was granted disability by the Social Security Administration due to his declining health. It’s a weird thing to get “congratulations” from people about it, yet it was the perfect thing to say! I might not need to sell my blood plasma anymore. Wal might not need to go to the food bank each week. I say “might” because bills still need to be paid and budgets worked out, but all in all we’ll be in a better place than we’ve been. Well…financially it’ll be a better place. And honestly, mentally my husband is in a MUCH better place. He’s feeling like he’s contributing to the family and not being a burden. It’s not that he was a burden but…it’s hard. There are days I come home and I just want to burn it down because there are dishes in the sink, poop in the cat box, mail in the mailbox and nothing for dinner. I’m tired and sometimes cranky, but I try to shut it down and just putter around the house and clean up the messes. Typically I know that if that’s what I’m looking at when I come home, then Wal had a bad day—either a lot of pain due to diabetes and neuropathy, or little energy because his heart is not pumping the way it should, or he’s horribly depressed because of his health situation. So I dig deep to find that empathy inside me and tend to whatever he might need.

As I said in my last post, my son will be attending a local university, the University of Maine in Orono. We made his confirmation and housing deposit on the day we found out about Wally’s disability. It’s time to get the kid ready to fly the coop and get his parents ready to live in an empty nest.

With two of our major life-changing events finally beginning, I feel like I am able work on me again. I really, really want to run or walk a marathon. I don’t think running one is really in the cards for me, so I’m starting to research both the walk/run method, and the power walking method. I want a physical goal to train for again. I want to feel particularly strong and proud of myself again. I mean…I’d love to lose 10 pounds in there, too, but Jesus, that also doesn’t seem to be in the cards! Being physically fit and healthy is what the goal should really be, right?

Sure. Yup. Right.

Anywho! I went out today and took a 4-mile walk with one little bout of running—only because it was snowing so hard into my face that it was painful. Although it was snowing, then blowing, then raining and finally ending with sleeting, I managed to mostly enjoy my walk. No dogs came out to try and attack me (that was two weeks ago), very few cars, just me and a bunch of birds that sounded particularly pissed off about the snow. I might be projecting, but they really did sound angry.

I got home, my hair partially frozen, my coat, hat, mittens and hoodie all soaked. And I felt…fantastic. Proud. Happy.

I’m enjoying days like this since they seem to be few and far between. Who knows, maybe there’ll be more days like this in the future.

I hope you’ve enjoyed your day, friends. With everything the world is facing right now, let’s keep putting one foot in front of the other, ok? ❤

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Be Patient

My husband applied for disability in March of 2024. Between his congestive heart failure and diabetes, he is no longer able to work. Throw in depression, and he’s barely surviving. As am I.

But, tomorrow, NINE MONTHS after he applied for said disability, he will finally have the physical required by Social Security to determine if he is, in fact, eligible for disability payments. That he has paid in for. Let’s be clear about that. He has been paying into social security since he started working as a teen. But the SS Administration still has to determine if he’s sick enough–not his doctors who actually encouraged him to do this two years ago–but a family nurse practitioner the government has hired.

Do I have hope that he’ll finally be approved? Of course, but very very little. It’s almost a given that you get denied disability on the first run. My brother was denied his first time. Why? No fucking clue. His heart no longer worked. Period. But was still denied. So yeah, although there’s a smidgen of hope that Wal will get disability soon, we’re still going through this process expecting to be denied then starting the whole damn process over again.

You know, I looked at my blog post from a year ago and read how I had hoped Wal wouldn’t have to stop working that year. Little did I know that he would be unable to work just over a month after I wrote that post. I wonder what I’ll know a year from now. Will I still be selling my blood plasma? Will Wal still go to the food bank every Tuesday? Will his health be about the same or worse?

I’m almost glad I don’t have a crystal ball.

Let’s just keep chugging along, shall we? Let’s just pretend that it’ll all work out.

Or I guess we can hope, right? Sometimes I’m not sure I know the difference between hoping and pretending, but tonight….

Tonight, we’ll call it hope.

❤

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Having Enough

Years ago, when my son was a toddler, we were on food stamps and WIC for a short period of time after my husband had been laid off. (If you’re not aware, WIC stands for Women, Infants & Children and is a federally funded supplemental nutrition program for low-income pregnant women and children.) My husband’s unemployment had run out, he was depressed, and he couldn’t find a job. It was a horribly scary time.

Yet even with that kind of stress at home, what really made it unbearable for me, was how I was treated at the grocery store when I used WIC. There was an older woman at the grocery store in the town I worked in, she waited on me and made me feel like absolute garbage. She scoffed when she saw my WIC paperwork, yelled at me when I had something on the counter I wasn’t allowed to get through WIC, and never once looked me in the eye.

I felt humiliated.

I left the store in tears, holding the bag of the few items my child needed to keep growing and thriving. The next time I used WIC, I didn’t go back to that grocery store, but went to a larger one near my home. It was a little better, but not by much. The clerk was closer to my age (I was in my mid-30s at this time), but she was efficient, did what she needed to do, and finished the transaction. There were no extra niceties, but at least she didn’t degrade me.

Now here we are, 15 years later. My son is still a growing boy, but a teenager. My husband is out of work and will be permanently. Although the disability paperwork has been filed, he will not have an income for 1-3 years. There is no WIC or food stamps for us, because in the eyes of the government, I make too much money.

So what do we do? Each day when I go home from work, I pass a local church that has a food bank every Tuesday morning. My husband and I had talked about it, and we both knew how fucking hard this would be. You work your whole life, you try to help others, but when it’s time to go for and accept assistance, it felt…wrong.

The morning he was going to go to the church for the first time, I said to him, “Remember, you’re doing this for your family. You’re doing this because our kid, god help us, is still growing. We are going to survive, damn it, and this is how we do it.” He kept nodding his head, “I know. I know.”

And off he went. I’m sure every food bank has their process and I know each one has slightly different rules. This one is in our town, but many folks who go are not from our town. They drive in from other places, but that’s how they survive. Each person or household is given a box to fill, but you can still only take as much as you need for the number of people in your home. For instance, he picked out 3 potatoes the first visit and 3 oranges, because we have 3 people. It’s been quite a humbling experience for all of us, but especially for my husband.

Each week the items are different, and you have to pick numbers to see how far down the line you are. If you get a low number, you have the better choice of produce or any of the goods. If you have a higher number, it’s often slim pickings by then. But it’s fair.

What’s interesting is the choice of items. This past week there was sliced swiss cheese with the expiration date of that day and yogurt a week past the expiration date. Usually the produce is about to go bad or you might have a few days to eat it. But so far, we’ve made sure nothing has actually gone bad. We’re trying to be creative with whatever food he brings home. He’s made hash browns with a few potatoes or sliced and baked them until they’re like potato chips. We’ve received spring mix a few times and have placed greens in nearly everything to make sure it’s eaten. I feel like I’m living in that commercial with chefs who cook gourmet dishes with food scraps…except without the chefs. We’re not making anything fancy, but we’re trying to make meals and not get sick from them. (I’m not gonna lie, the swiss cheese did taste a little odd, but I figured swiss cheese tastes a little weird anyway so it’s fine!)

But one thing that was seriously sweet about last week’s haul, was this rose. I guess the church gave it to my husband to give to me. I don’t know why, but I don’t care. I kinda love it. I’m not typically one who likes to receive flowers, but honestly, it was just nice to get something….lovely. Something that could brighten my day, even for a moment.

Someday, I hope we’ll get to the other side of this. I’m not sure what kind of shape we’ll be in financially by then, but I’m really trying to find ways of cutting costs. I make my own laundry detergent now, we switched from regular cat litter to these pellets that barns typically use, and I’m always scouring my basement to look for things to sell. This isn’t where I thought we’d be at this age, but shit happens, right?

One thing I know is that if we ever do get to the other side of this…no. WHEN we get to the other side of this, we will donate money or resources to local food banks. Even if some of the food items are a little sketchy, we still accept it with great gratitude. They are truly saving our bacon.

Eat well, my friends, and as always, hugs to you. ❤

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Dreams (and Nightmares) Do Come True

It actually happened.

Two weeks ago, I went on vacation with 4 of my favorite humans. To say we had the time of our lives was an understatement. When you laugh so hard each night that you cry and have a belly ache, you know you are surrounded by people that you not only love, but love spending time with.

We traveled to Belize and had the most amazing time. I can truly say it was the best five days of my life. Things at home were not wonderful while I was gone, but I had to keep telling myself that I just needed to let it go. Mostly I did.

Here are some highlights: saw numerous creatures at the Belize Zoo, including spider monkeys (where I cried because I felt like my brother was there, feeling just as excited to be so close to these lovelies); had a beach day where we all swam in the warm water, drank margaritas on the beach, and played cornhole in our bathing suits; went to the Xunantunich Mayan Ruins with a very informed and funny guide, climbed the massive structure and saw lizards and bats along the way; experienced cave tubing; visited a cacao farm and had a hand in making chocolate; swam under the waterfalls; had a massage (thanks, Trish!); ate delicious dishes and fresh fruit each day; heard and saw so many different types of birds that I’ve never seen or heard before; swam in the pool; went for a run; shopped a little; tried to speak Spanish a teensy bit; and drank and laughed each night.

There are hundreds of more photos that I get to look at each day. I did not take a ton (maybe 100), but thanks to my friends, we had over 500 (probably much more) to look at and do what we want with. Many of the ones I haven’t shared are all of us hanging out at the pool on our last full day in Belize. Looking at photos from that afternoon just gives me such good feelings. We were warm and our bellies full and we were enjoying the water and each other’s company. Hell, that was really every day of the vacation.

I know how lucky I am to have been able to travel to another country, to take a vacation, to spend it with my friends. I know how lucky I am to have these friends (and many others) that I have known for most of my life–over 35 years–and still love them and call them my family. They bring me joy and so much damn laughter.

I knew that when I came back from this dream vacation, I would need to hold onto the memories because life at home was and is hard. I cried the day before we left Belize. I knew that my life wasn’t going to feel this carefree and fun for a very long time.

My husband was not able to work while I was away and is now no longer working at all. Between congestive heart failure and now the neuropathy in his feet due to diabetes, there is no other way around it. Our health insurance ends this month and I will start paying for insurance that isn’t as good through my work, but at least it’s something. We will lose our doctor, our favorite doctor we’ve had for years, because he doesn’t take this new insurance. And now we’ve contracted with a lawyer to help my husband apply for disability. If all goes well, he might be able to receive SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance)–the thing we’ve been paying for all of our lives–in a year…or two…or three.

We, in short, are all grieving so many things this week.

I’ll be able to look on the bright side of things tomorrow. Or maybe it’ll have to wait another day. Either way, I did have Belize. For that, I will be forever grateful.

Take care of each other, friends. I appreciate you.

Hugs to you all. ❤