I’ve always said that blogging has been my own source of therapy. I write about my issues, get everything out of my heart and head and typically I feel better. I often get feedback from my readers, many of them being my friends, and usually I feel like my head is clearer, my body a little lighter and I’m not as alone as I thought I was.
But now….now I think blogging might not be enough.
As I’m writing this post, my brother has been gone for 11 weeks, 5 hours and 11 minutes. I think I hurt more now than I did that day. Everything was fresh and raw and horribly painful that day, but now I feel empty. Hollowed out. Lost.
For the past few weeks, I’ve known that I should seek out counseling. The combined stress of trying to care for my mother and dealing with my grief has been overwhelming. One morning when my boss encouraged me to give the counseling program a call, I broke down in tears and told her I just couldn’t. My mom’s health has deteriorated very quickly in the past few months and I’m taking her to one doctor or another each week, sometimes twice a week. The thought of adding something new to my schedule broke me.
Then my best friend started nudging me, trying to get me to make that call. I put it off for another week then finally made the first call. This was just to set me up and give me a list of counselors I can call and try to meet with. My stomach hurt the entire time and I willed my voice not to shake. After the call ended, I put my head down on the table and cried. If it’s this difficult just to get a list of names, how the hell will I be at an actual session?
Now that I have my list, I still haven’t been able to call anyone. In fact, two days after getting the list I thought, “Ok. This is good to have, but I’m really fine. I can handle this.” I spent the afternoon cleaning my mother’s home, having lunch with her and taking her to the store. Sometimes when I spend time with Mom, I miss her. I miss the person she used to be. I felt like that this week, but I also tried to make the best of the situation. We chatted about food, my son, our cats and how beautiful the leaves were looking. “I can do this, ” I thought.
And then I spent the evening with my son. We’ve been watching The Flas
h on Netflix. So, if you haven’t been watching season 3 of The Flash and intend to, skip this part now. *SPOILER ALERT* In this episode, Cisco, one of my favorite characters because he makes being a geek look so damn cool, has been seeing visions of his dead brother, Dante. Cisco gets his hands on an artifact that messes with his mind and he eventually must seal the artifact away. But in doing so, he will never see his brother again. His rational mind knows that this image isn’t really his brother, but it doesn’t make the task any easier. So he has to choose–see his brother again or lose his brother forever but save his friends’ lives.
As Cisco makes his choice, I cover my face and sob into my hands. My son asks me what’s wrong, but I can’t answer. I’m sobbing so hard that it’s difficult to breathe, much less talk. My sweet boy then slides closer to me on the couch and hugs me. I end up crying on his shoulder, literally. I finally pull myself together after a minute and let my boy go. All he says is, “Uncle?” I nod. I apologize to him, but he said that it was ok. Then he takes off his shirt and says, “Here, Mom. You can just use this as a tissue.”
I love that kid so much.
So…after that little breakdown, all from a damn tv show no less, I think I might be able to make that phone call. Or I know I should.
I know I have to at least try. That’s all I can promise myself right now. But it’s a start.
See Holly Run 
You had me in tears, Holly. You’re son is remarkable. I still haven’t unfriended Phil on facebook, because it’s like erasing him. I watched , “Vicious,” on PBS Saturday night and could just hear Phil’s laughter, all the way through it, as he loved how those two old queens would throw insults at each other. But it felt like he left the room , as soon as it was over. I’ll call mom and sometimes just from the sound of my voice, she’ll say, “Sad day?” I say, “Missing Phil.” Sometimes she’ll listen to me tell some Phil stories so I’ll laugh, other times she’ll listen to me cry and then we talk about something else. I know there is group grief counseling in Waterville, and it might be good for you, to share with those going through the same thing, rather than go it alone. I think my friend, went and it was of great help to her. She made some good friends, too. I can ask her where she went and get info for you if you’d like. Love you.
How can it be 11 weeks already? It feels like just days since Phil was here making the planet a better place with his presence, humor, and grace. I wish I were closer to help bear your burdens, which I know are beyond measure and in some ways unbearable by anyone. Holding you in the light. Love and hugs.
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